where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
