did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
