sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
