He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
