The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
