I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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