Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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