i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
