I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
