He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
