I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
