No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
