He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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