i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
