remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
