He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
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When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
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I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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