if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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