I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
