What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
