Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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