So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
