so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
