they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
