I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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