I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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