i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
