i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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