I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I don't deserve a penis
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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