If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize