I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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