I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
