worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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