how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
