Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I won't apologize to a one balled man
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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