PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
