but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
