her vagine was all disorganized.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
