just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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