WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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