Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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