Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
