just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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