girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
