i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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