I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
