Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
