Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
