Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
