I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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