Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
