Who did Billy Mays play for?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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