You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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