She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
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I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
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It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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