Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
