I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
