dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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