Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
